Tuesday, September 27, 2011

I should have prepared myself...

Why did I think one cycle of IUI would be all it would take? I am sure the statistics were against us.

I got the word from the doctor today - bloodwork was negative and we are not pregnant this month. I found out while I was driving the car and I was not super close to home. It was a rough drive. I tried to prepare myself and even took a home test in the morning so really, I already knew I wasn't pregnant. Somehow... it was so much harder hearing it from a doctor. As soon as I got that word all the feelings I had just came out. I've cried on and off all afternoon/evening and my dinner consisted of wine and cookies.

I think my first thought when I heard the news today was "Well, shit, even with help we can't get pregnant? What's wrong, why can't I just be a mom again?" I wonder if the fact that it took 6 shots of gonal-f to make only ONE follicle the correct size factored into this and our troubles in general. I will be 34 in December... is it age? I thought 35 was the "magic" age so to speak. Figures my body would decide to make things harder earlier.

Story. of. my. life.

I am going to try my hardest to move on tomorrow and gear up for getting my period and moving on to another cycle. I don't think it's going to be easy and I know my emotions are probably going to be all over the place. I really can't believe we have to do another month of this. I STILL can't believe we're in this spot to begin with.

Friday, September 16, 2011

First IUI Cycle

Well, we did our first IUI cycle. I did all the meds, the shots and had the actual IUI this past Monday. I am 4 days into the 2ww and feel like it's been forever. I have all my hopes wrapped up in this, which is probably not good for my mental state. Rationally I know I should not expect to be pregnant after one IUI cycle but, I totally expect to be. I honestly worry about how I will deal with the news should this cycle not be successful. Will I be OK with it and be hopeful for IUI cycle #2 or will I get depressed again? WHY is this so hard??? What am I doing wrong that I can not get pregnant again? Will I get pregnant again? So many questions...

I am so ready to be pregnant again, I am so ready to be a mommy to two amazing little people. It's really hard to even think about this cycle not working and even harder to acknowledge that there have been issues in creating another child. I never thought I'd be here - taking shots and drugs to help my body cooperate - I just never pictured this happening. I just really need this to work so we can build our family... I'm not done with one!

Donovan just turned two last week and the past two years have been amazing. Watching him grow and change from a baby to a toddler has been awesome. I am loving the person he is becoming (although not a fan of the temper tantrums) and he makes me laugh on a daily basis. He is funny, caring and kind and he is everything a mother could want in a child. I KNOW he'll be a terrific big brother. I love the little man he is and love the new challenges that being a mom to a toddler bring but I really do miss aspects of the baby phase. Everyone told me how it would fly by and to cherish every moment. I didn't believe them. Gone is the little baby who liked to snuggle and sleep on my chest for hours. Now... I'm lucky to get a hug. Usually I am only getting a hug if he's hurt or sad. He'd never fall asleep on me... he won't sleep anywhere but his bed. I guess he's afraid he'll miss something.

Now I cherish all the little moments I get with my little guy. Today, after a rough fall and a BIG BUMP on the head, he fell asleep on the ride home. He was so tired that he didn't wake up when I took him out of the car seat. He snuggled into my shoulder and just continued sleeping. This never happens, EVER. I found myself almost in tears at this little priceless moment. Getting to carry my child into the house while he's sleeping is something I know I need to hold onto. Just like the baby phase, this too will go by too fast...