Wednesday, July 13, 2011

I have some awesome friends

I have had people totally not understand my friendships with people I have never actually met. How can you really be friends with a person you have never seen, they ask. That's the amazing part of the digital age. I have a group of friends scattered all over the globe and out of that group, I've only met one face to face. They are the most amazing group of women. Supportive, loving, kind, caring and funny as hell. We met through a website for people trying to conceive before some of us even had children. I've been a part of the site for 3 years and the core group of women I talk to, I have been talking to for the majority of that 3 years. We all bonded and a friendship grew. I have yet to find any connections on that site as meaningful as this small group.

I shared this blog with them last night. The outpouring of love, friendship and support has been overwhelming to me and has meant more than I am sure they know. I think someday we have to try to do some sort of girls vacation somewhere together and meet. Yeah... that would be cool.

There is a lot about myself that I tell them and few others. Sure I have a couple friends who live near me and I talk to but... not really knowing my TTC journey like these women do, the sharing is not the same. The understanding is definitely not the same. I am more of an open book online because, well, it's just easier to share when you're writing it down and not actually saying it. It's easier to open up and be yourself when you're typing.

So, ladies, thank you. Your friendship is amazing and I am truly thankful to have you all in my life.

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Thinking about the past

So tonight was Tuesday and that's Teen Mom (or 16 & Pregnant) night here at my house. I have been addicted to this show since it first aired. It aired when I was pregnant with Donovan so maybe that's why I got hooked when I did.

Tonight was the adoption special and it was a tear jerker but also had me thinking about the past and how strong these girls are. When I was 19, I became pregnant. I was a sophmore in college, my boyfriend at the time was a senior in high school. He came up to visit me at Syracuse and a few weeks later... I found out I was pregnant. I was terrified. Scared about the pregnancy, scared about what to do and MUCH too scared to tell my very conservative parents. Instead of going to them for help, I got advice from my friends in college. My boyfriend was scared as well but told me he would support any decision I made. His sister had a baby as a teen so this was not a totally unfamiliar road for him.

I hemmed and hawed over my decision for weeks. During the time I was pregnant I had to go home for spring break. I struggled with what to do and even IF I should tell my parents. I had morning sickness and tried, desperately, to hide that. One morning I came downstairs and my mom was standing there. She outright asked me if I was pregnant. I looked her dead in the eyes and lied. She asked me again and told me I could tell her if I was. I swore to her I wasn't. To this day, I really do not know why I didn't tell her. I should have told her... that was my opportunity and I blew it. I should have told her to get the advice of an ADULT and not a bunch of other teenagers. I was scared that she and my dad would force me into a decision or just be so mad and disappointed in me that I couldn't bear it. So, I kept my mouth shut for the remainder of my break and returned to school. I decided my only option was abortion. Only... I was hoping someone would talk me out of it. The whole time I just hoped SOMEONE, anyone, would tell me not to do it.

I returned to school and went to a local doctor a friend told me about. At almost 13 weeks, I terminated my pregnancy. I wanted the doctor, a nurse, someone to tell me not to do it. I cried throughout the entire procedure. The MOMENT, the very moment, it started I regretted my decision. I felt like the most horrible person in the world and some days, I still am not sure if I've ever forgiven myself. I had wonderful friends in college but most did not understand and I didn't have the kind of support system I really needed. Then there were my Christian "friends" who no longer spoke to me after that day. I changed that day, forever. I was good at acting the part of the happy college teen but there was a part of me that changed in ways I still don't fully understand. I grieved for a long time and thought about nothing but having children since that day.

I wish I had been closer to my family and been able to go to them with this. While I wonder what my life would be like now, I do like to think I would have been able to choose adoption but I am not sure I would have. My boyfriend was the son of a pastor and I am sure we would have been told we had to keep that child. I would not have finished college and he would not have gone. Our lives would be very, very different today and neither or us would be in our respective happy marriages. I do think part of my decision was based on that fact, the fact that we would struggle without college educations and be forced into a decision that neither of us were ready for.

I love my life now, I love my family and can not imagine a day without Stephen or Donovan. Some days though, looking at Donovan, I wonder what that child would have been like. Was it a boy or a girl? That child would be 14 years old now... 14!

It's strange how the choices you make directly impact everything about your future. By choosing the path I did, whether it was right or wrong I wanted to do it or not, I got my life today. I have my own family and a life that I can't imagine not having. I have the most wonderful son in the world and hopefully, soon, we'll be adding to our little family. Still... it can be hard to think about and relive that past sometimes.

I hope my kids are never too afraid to come to me with their problems someday. I hope they never get pregnant as teenagers but if they do, I hope they are not too afraid to tell me about it. Mostly because I don't want them going some 15 years feeling like they are horrible people. Some days I do still truly feel like I am a horrible, HORRIBLE, person for what I did back then. I never want my kids to feel like that.

Thursday, July 7, 2011

Still trying

Well, the hubs and I are up to 15 months of trying for baby #2. You really never think it's going to take so long when it's something you both want so much. I've been to the RE now and so far all my tests are looking good. Hubs goes for his SA on Monday and I go for my HSG on Tuesday. Looks like we'll be heading for a diagnosis of unexplained infertility. Awesome.

If all looks good with all our tests this month, we move on to Clomid and IUI. This has me hopeful but it's still been harder on my psyche than I anticipated. I keep wondering why this is happening to us. Why, when we're so ready to be parents again, is it so hard? I feel down a lot and find myself crying a lot more these days seemingly, over nothing.

It doesn't help to hear about friends babies and hearing about yet another friend getting pregnant. We just had a conversation a few months ago and she was sure I'd be pregnant before her as they weren't even trying yet and now... she joins the ranks of women I desperately want to join. It seems so unfair. Why, when it was so easy to get Donovan, are we having issues?

I have told two family members about our struggles and what we're doing to try to get another child. They don't understand and were actually thinking we were nuts for going to an RE and doing all this. I hate hearing "it'll happen when it happens" and it doesn't make it easy when you just want to cry to someone for support and get blown off. It's exactly that reason why I don't like telling close family things that are so personal or important. I'll tell everyone a lot of what's going on with me, anyone who knows me knows that but.... I rarely go into the big things. This is why... I hate feeling like my feelings don't matter to others.