Friday, May 27, 2011

I need to get a grip

OK, so, the hubs and I have been trying for over a year now to make baby #2. Every month has been hard for me and I just don't understand why it's taking so long when it didn't the first time around. I do have an appointment with the doctor because I suspect part of the issue is that I am not ovulating every month.

Anyway, two of my friends got pregnant not long after we started trying. They knew I was trying at the same time and we would comment on how fun it would be to have babies around the same time. One friend had her baby girl a few weeks ago, the other is in the hospital now having hers. they have long since stopped asking with any regularity my status on the baby front...

The friend who's in the hospital now, we've gotten close over the past 20 months or so. We met at Gymboree and our kids are around the same age. We hang out and talk often and I consider her one of my closest friends. She wants me to visit her in the hospital this weekend. I am so excited for her and so incredibly happy for her but... I am sitting here in tears because I am SO JEALOUS. I just know that as soon as I see and hold that brand new baby, I am going to cry. I don't want to cry in front of her, she knows this road has been tough on me but I don't think she knows how tough. I don't want to upset her or make her feel bad or ruin a wonderful weekend for her.

I want to be there and support her and I really do want to see the new baby but it's going to be hard. I'll need a lot of strength to get through it.

Monday, May 16, 2011

I can't wait to move

Well... today was interesting. Our neighbors (who have previously said they hate pets) got a dog. Who gave them I dog, I don't know but they have one. Friday to Monday they kept the poor little thing tied to the side of their home for hours on end with no food or water. Finally, after 3 hours outside this morning, again, I contacted the DC Humane Society. Steve and I both tried knocking on their door today but they ignored us. Finally, we both decided it was best to contact the humane society. I mean, they were leaving this dog on a short leash, without food or water, for 3-4 hour stretches - more than once a day! They would let the dog inside only to leave the house about 5 minutes later.

Well, the humane society clearly made a visit today and the leash attached to the house is gone and they were actually, gasp, walking him. I went out for a walk with Donovan about 5pm and was greeted by a police officer. The neighbor's "retaliation" was to call the police saying our dog has been barking all day. Needless to say, the cop didn't believe them and said he felt bad for their dog, and for us. Our neighbors on the other side also think she's crazy and the police paid them a visit too. After the visit, we all stood outside talking about her craziness while she looked at us from her window. I am sure she's pissed that 1. she has to now actually take care of her pet and 2. her "retailiation' didn't work. I kind of worry what her next act will be and really can't wait to move. I still do not understand why she got a dog if she doesn't really want it.

I know I didn't do anything wrong and I was sure there would be a reaction but... I did forget to take into account her level of crazy. If she does anything truly nuts she better watch out because I can be a bitch on wheels. I mean, the only other thing she did when she got in was park directly in front of our house, in front of our for sale sign, in Steve's space. She forgets... I have a nice big car and am home all day so her street parking is about to disappear. Childish... yes. But will I do it anyway... yep! May as well have some fun with my ghetto ass neighbor before I go...

Sunday, May 15, 2011

The beginning of yet another blog

OK, so I have a lot of blogs and quite honestly, none are just mine, about me. Who would want to read about my dull ol life anyways? I am not completely sure I am going to share this with anyone yet but I think I need a place where I can just write about what I am feeling. A place to write my thoughts maybe just for me, maybe to share, but a place to just let out the millions of thoughts in my head all the time. I have always had the issue of not being able to fall asleep because there is too much I am thinking about because, well, I don't say a lot of what I think. I don't even always share everything with my husband. Not sure why really. I love him so much and share a lot with him but there has always been a part of me that just doesn't share everything.

Growing up I suppose we were a semi-close family but I never really felt super close to my parents or my sister. That sounds horrible to say out loud but I suppose it's true. The bonds I hear other people talk about having with their moms, dads or sisters... well... I can't relate. I honestly don't know why that is either. I had a good childhood with parents that loved me, and still do. My sister and I fought a lot but doesn't every sibling fight? I can go weeks without talking to my immediate family and it doesn't faze me. I feel like that should be weird...

I love my parents and my sister but I have never felt like I could share with them... not anything life shattering anyways. There always seems to be drama or when you tell someone something in confidence well, it never really is. So, I guess I stopped sharing anything that was super important and gave myself distance I thought I needed or wanted. I kind of feel bad about that now, like I should be closer to them somehow. This is the first time I have ever admitted this and even know fear one of them might read it. Fear it because if one reads it, they'd all know and also because I don't want to hurt them and I am fairly positive this would hurt them. I don't want to be mean or say this to be hurtful... just want to say it so it's said. And wonder aloud (in writing) why I am not close to my family.

I work hard at being close to my family now. I stay home with my son and really do consider my husband not only a husband but a best friend. Marriage and family is work, and some days are truly trying, but it's work that I enjoy. I want to have a different relationship with my family that I did with my family as a child. I want to be close to my kids and have the relationship with them that I feel like I didn't, and still don't, have with my own family. I honestly fear that my kids will grow up and it'll be the same for them and they won't feel close to me. Do I even have the power to make sure that doesn't happen? Scary thought.

Well, this was not where I thought this first blog was going to go but I think that's why I need to start it. We'll see where it goes and how much I write. It would probably be good for me to just sit and write as often as possible. Then maybe I'll have an easier time falling asleep at night :)