Saturday, October 15, 2011

Second round of IUI

Well, Thursday was our second go at IUI. Stephen's count was even lower this month so I am not very optimistic that we'll be pregnant this month. Even the doctor performing the IUI said, with his counts being so low, we may want to just skip ahead to IVF. With the issues we're having now, I feel incredibly lucky that we have Donovan. The next two weeks are going to be hard but I am going to try to distract myself with other things as much as possible. I have got to hold on to hope that this is our cycle and I am right now, maybe, pregnant with our second child.

I am still struggling and am wondering if maybe I should go talk to someone. I am discouraged about IUI and am still so very sad over the loss of my grandmother. I haven't been as willing to go and do things as I usually am and really do not want to be a sad Mommy to my little guy.

I have got to get myself together! My grandma would not want me to be like this - hell, I don't want to be like this. I know I am probably just sad because, for one thing, the holidays are coming and because I just recently saw my grandparents house on the market. Seeing the photos of a house I never in my life saw empty just made the fact that she's gone that much more real. When the house was still kind of full and her things were still there, it was easy to not think about that fact that she's gone. Even taking some of her things to my home didn't make it as real as seeing that house empty. That was a place I went to for over 30 years. Spent random days, holidays and special events there. It was a gathering place for all extended family and a place to just sit, sip tea and gossip.

I never get to go back there. I know it's just a house and, yes, I knew this day would come someday but it hurts. How is it that I never get to go back there? How can she really be gone? WHY does her house being emptied and put on the market bring up all the grief all over again?!?!


I want to be OK with this and just move on. I want to just be happy that she is with my grandpa, her sisters and parents and be OK with her being in Heaven. But, you know what, apparently I am selfish and I want her here.

I really think that next time I am up in MA I need to go visit her grave. I have not been back since the funeral and I think I really need to go, sit and just talk to her. I think that may help. I haven't ever visited there. My grandpa passed in, what, 1998? His death did not hit me as hard. I loved him for sure but I guess I was not as close to him. I do think I should go visit them both though - I wonder if anyone in my family even does?

Wow, OK, so that post took a turn. Sorry about that everyone :(
Thanks for reading. I think writing helps me deal with how I am feeling, even if no one reads it.

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

All these hormones make a person more emotional

Maybe it's the hormones, maybe I am still grieving... who knows.

My grandma died last year, a week before Christmas. I got to fly up and spend a day with her just a few short days before she died - one day before she slipped into a coma and never came back. I got to hug her, tell her I loved her and just sit with her and hold her hand.

I am crying as I write this.

I wish so much that I had said more to her, I wish I had visited her more and called her more. I called her a lot but not near enough. Even though she had Ovarian Cancer (she passed six months after being diagnosed) and I knew time was short, I took for granted that I could call her and say hello. I REALLY miss being able to call her. I miss her stories, even the ones I heard a million times.

When she was diagnosed in June 2010, my dad was in denial. He kept saying she would be treated and live a few years. I knew the day he called that we'd be lucky to have her for Christmas. I cried a lot that week in June. In July, she spent a fair amount of time at Mass General. I drove up with Donovan and spent a week with her. I went to the hospital every day with Donovan and held her hand when she was in pain, gossiped when she felt well. Donovan slept in his stroller or flirted with nurses - he was an awesome kid and allowed me to spend a lot of time with her. When she was able to sip tea, we shared tea and stories - it was a special time, even if she was in the hospital. The bad days, I just held her hand and tried to stay strong and not cry... it was incredibly hard. The day I had to leave, I stopped by one more time. It was a bad day that day and she did not want me to go. It broke my heart to leave that day and I feared I would not see her again.

I did see her again on a few occasions. I saw her in the rehab hospital right before she had a brief reprieve from all her symptoms. We got to walk up and down the hall and grandma had a blast showing off her only great grandson. I called her a bit and when she was home, I sent her a gift basket of British treats when she was well and home. My dad said she ate everything in that basket and raved about it for weeks.

And again, either because I took it for granted or just didn't want to believe she was dying... I didn't call enough.

Now, things happen in life, Donovan does something new or something good happens in my life and I wish I could call her. I want to just say hi, I love you. I want to hear those stories I've heard a million times and right now, can't even really remember! I had planned to take a video camera up last Christmas and tape her telling the stories so I wouldn't forget them and I never got the chance because she passed on December 21. She really did try to hang on for the holidays. She was in pain but she really did try to hang on for all of us.

I don't know why lately but I miss her a HELL of a lot. I think about her almost every day and find myself crying at the oddest times and missing her a lot more. Maybe for a while I tried to just not think about her because it was too hard. Recently, I went to her home, for the last time, and brought back some furniture and other things I was given. Maybe that's why. maybe it's all the hormones being pumped in me for IUI. Who knows.

All I know is I miss her a lot, Cancer SUCKS and I wish I could see her again.

I have actually had two very vivid dreams about her. One shortly after she died where she told me she was OK but she missed her tea. I guess they don't have tea in heaven. One very recently. I was in her home and it was fairly empty. She just appeared on the couch in her living room. She told me again that she is OK and she loves me and to be OK with her being gone.

I am not OK with her being gone. It's not fair. If she had not gotten Cancer, she would still be here - she would have lived another 10 years - I truly believe that. I feel robbed of more time with her.

I miss her so so much.

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

I should have prepared myself...

Why did I think one cycle of IUI would be all it would take? I am sure the statistics were against us.

I got the word from the doctor today - bloodwork was negative and we are not pregnant this month. I found out while I was driving the car and I was not super close to home. It was a rough drive. I tried to prepare myself and even took a home test in the morning so really, I already knew I wasn't pregnant. Somehow... it was so much harder hearing it from a doctor. As soon as I got that word all the feelings I had just came out. I've cried on and off all afternoon/evening and my dinner consisted of wine and cookies.

I think my first thought when I heard the news today was "Well, shit, even with help we can't get pregnant? What's wrong, why can't I just be a mom again?" I wonder if the fact that it took 6 shots of gonal-f to make only ONE follicle the correct size factored into this and our troubles in general. I will be 34 in December... is it age? I thought 35 was the "magic" age so to speak. Figures my body would decide to make things harder earlier.

Story. of. my. life.

I am going to try my hardest to move on tomorrow and gear up for getting my period and moving on to another cycle. I don't think it's going to be easy and I know my emotions are probably going to be all over the place. I really can't believe we have to do another month of this. I STILL can't believe we're in this spot to begin with.

Friday, September 16, 2011

First IUI Cycle

Well, we did our first IUI cycle. I did all the meds, the shots and had the actual IUI this past Monday. I am 4 days into the 2ww and feel like it's been forever. I have all my hopes wrapped up in this, which is probably not good for my mental state. Rationally I know I should not expect to be pregnant after one IUI cycle but, I totally expect to be. I honestly worry about how I will deal with the news should this cycle not be successful. Will I be OK with it and be hopeful for IUI cycle #2 or will I get depressed again? WHY is this so hard??? What am I doing wrong that I can not get pregnant again? Will I get pregnant again? So many questions...

I am so ready to be pregnant again, I am so ready to be a mommy to two amazing little people. It's really hard to even think about this cycle not working and even harder to acknowledge that there have been issues in creating another child. I never thought I'd be here - taking shots and drugs to help my body cooperate - I just never pictured this happening. I just really need this to work so we can build our family... I'm not done with one!

Donovan just turned two last week and the past two years have been amazing. Watching him grow and change from a baby to a toddler has been awesome. I am loving the person he is becoming (although not a fan of the temper tantrums) and he makes me laugh on a daily basis. He is funny, caring and kind and he is everything a mother could want in a child. I KNOW he'll be a terrific big brother. I love the little man he is and love the new challenges that being a mom to a toddler bring but I really do miss aspects of the baby phase. Everyone told me how it would fly by and to cherish every moment. I didn't believe them. Gone is the little baby who liked to snuggle and sleep on my chest for hours. Now... I'm lucky to get a hug. Usually I am only getting a hug if he's hurt or sad. He'd never fall asleep on me... he won't sleep anywhere but his bed. I guess he's afraid he'll miss something.

Now I cherish all the little moments I get with my little guy. Today, after a rough fall and a BIG BUMP on the head, he fell asleep on the ride home. He was so tired that he didn't wake up when I took him out of the car seat. He snuggled into my shoulder and just continued sleeping. This never happens, EVER. I found myself almost in tears at this little priceless moment. Getting to carry my child into the house while he's sleeping is something I know I need to hold onto. Just like the baby phase, this too will go by too fast...

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

I have some awesome friends

I have had people totally not understand my friendships with people I have never actually met. How can you really be friends with a person you have never seen, they ask. That's the amazing part of the digital age. I have a group of friends scattered all over the globe and out of that group, I've only met one face to face. They are the most amazing group of women. Supportive, loving, kind, caring and funny as hell. We met through a website for people trying to conceive before some of us even had children. I've been a part of the site for 3 years and the core group of women I talk to, I have been talking to for the majority of that 3 years. We all bonded and a friendship grew. I have yet to find any connections on that site as meaningful as this small group.

I shared this blog with them last night. The outpouring of love, friendship and support has been overwhelming to me and has meant more than I am sure they know. I think someday we have to try to do some sort of girls vacation somewhere together and meet. Yeah... that would be cool.

There is a lot about myself that I tell them and few others. Sure I have a couple friends who live near me and I talk to but... not really knowing my TTC journey like these women do, the sharing is not the same. The understanding is definitely not the same. I am more of an open book online because, well, it's just easier to share when you're writing it down and not actually saying it. It's easier to open up and be yourself when you're typing.

So, ladies, thank you. Your friendship is amazing and I am truly thankful to have you all in my life.

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Thinking about the past

So tonight was Tuesday and that's Teen Mom (or 16 & Pregnant) night here at my house. I have been addicted to this show since it first aired. It aired when I was pregnant with Donovan so maybe that's why I got hooked when I did.

Tonight was the adoption special and it was a tear jerker but also had me thinking about the past and how strong these girls are. When I was 19, I became pregnant. I was a sophmore in college, my boyfriend at the time was a senior in high school. He came up to visit me at Syracuse and a few weeks later... I found out I was pregnant. I was terrified. Scared about the pregnancy, scared about what to do and MUCH too scared to tell my very conservative parents. Instead of going to them for help, I got advice from my friends in college. My boyfriend was scared as well but told me he would support any decision I made. His sister had a baby as a teen so this was not a totally unfamiliar road for him.

I hemmed and hawed over my decision for weeks. During the time I was pregnant I had to go home for spring break. I struggled with what to do and even IF I should tell my parents. I had morning sickness and tried, desperately, to hide that. One morning I came downstairs and my mom was standing there. She outright asked me if I was pregnant. I looked her dead in the eyes and lied. She asked me again and told me I could tell her if I was. I swore to her I wasn't. To this day, I really do not know why I didn't tell her. I should have told her... that was my opportunity and I blew it. I should have told her to get the advice of an ADULT and not a bunch of other teenagers. I was scared that she and my dad would force me into a decision or just be so mad and disappointed in me that I couldn't bear it. So, I kept my mouth shut for the remainder of my break and returned to school. I decided my only option was abortion. Only... I was hoping someone would talk me out of it. The whole time I just hoped SOMEONE, anyone, would tell me not to do it.

I returned to school and went to a local doctor a friend told me about. At almost 13 weeks, I terminated my pregnancy. I wanted the doctor, a nurse, someone to tell me not to do it. I cried throughout the entire procedure. The MOMENT, the very moment, it started I regretted my decision. I felt like the most horrible person in the world and some days, I still am not sure if I've ever forgiven myself. I had wonderful friends in college but most did not understand and I didn't have the kind of support system I really needed. Then there were my Christian "friends" who no longer spoke to me after that day. I changed that day, forever. I was good at acting the part of the happy college teen but there was a part of me that changed in ways I still don't fully understand. I grieved for a long time and thought about nothing but having children since that day.

I wish I had been closer to my family and been able to go to them with this. While I wonder what my life would be like now, I do like to think I would have been able to choose adoption but I am not sure I would have. My boyfriend was the son of a pastor and I am sure we would have been told we had to keep that child. I would not have finished college and he would not have gone. Our lives would be very, very different today and neither or us would be in our respective happy marriages. I do think part of my decision was based on that fact, the fact that we would struggle without college educations and be forced into a decision that neither of us were ready for.

I love my life now, I love my family and can not imagine a day without Stephen or Donovan. Some days though, looking at Donovan, I wonder what that child would have been like. Was it a boy or a girl? That child would be 14 years old now... 14!

It's strange how the choices you make directly impact everything about your future. By choosing the path I did, whether it was right or wrong I wanted to do it or not, I got my life today. I have my own family and a life that I can't imagine not having. I have the most wonderful son in the world and hopefully, soon, we'll be adding to our little family. Still... it can be hard to think about and relive that past sometimes.

I hope my kids are never too afraid to come to me with their problems someday. I hope they never get pregnant as teenagers but if they do, I hope they are not too afraid to tell me about it. Mostly because I don't want them going some 15 years feeling like they are horrible people. Some days I do still truly feel like I am a horrible, HORRIBLE, person for what I did back then. I never want my kids to feel like that.

Thursday, July 7, 2011

Still trying

Well, the hubs and I are up to 15 months of trying for baby #2. You really never think it's going to take so long when it's something you both want so much. I've been to the RE now and so far all my tests are looking good. Hubs goes for his SA on Monday and I go for my HSG on Tuesday. Looks like we'll be heading for a diagnosis of unexplained infertility. Awesome.

If all looks good with all our tests this month, we move on to Clomid and IUI. This has me hopeful but it's still been harder on my psyche than I anticipated. I keep wondering why this is happening to us. Why, when we're so ready to be parents again, is it so hard? I feel down a lot and find myself crying a lot more these days seemingly, over nothing.

It doesn't help to hear about friends babies and hearing about yet another friend getting pregnant. We just had a conversation a few months ago and she was sure I'd be pregnant before her as they weren't even trying yet and now... she joins the ranks of women I desperately want to join. It seems so unfair. Why, when it was so easy to get Donovan, are we having issues?

I have told two family members about our struggles and what we're doing to try to get another child. They don't understand and were actually thinking we were nuts for going to an RE and doing all this. I hate hearing "it'll happen when it happens" and it doesn't make it easy when you just want to cry to someone for support and get blown off. It's exactly that reason why I don't like telling close family things that are so personal or important. I'll tell everyone a lot of what's going on with me, anyone who knows me knows that but.... I rarely go into the big things. This is why... I hate feeling like my feelings don't matter to others.