Maybe it's the hormones, maybe I am still grieving... who knows.
My grandma died last year, a week before Christmas. I got to fly up and spend a day with her just a few short days before she died - one day before she slipped into a coma and never came back. I got to hug her, tell her I loved her and just sit with her and hold her hand.
I am crying as I write this.
I wish so much that I had said more to her, I wish I had visited her more and called her more. I called her a lot but not near enough. Even though she had Ovarian Cancer (she passed six months after being diagnosed) and I knew time was short, I took for granted that I could call her and say hello. I REALLY miss being able to call her. I miss her stories, even the ones I heard a million times.
When she was diagnosed in June 2010, my dad was in denial. He kept saying she would be treated and live a few years. I knew the day he called that we'd be lucky to have her for Christmas. I cried a lot that week in June. In July, she spent a fair amount of time at Mass General. I drove up with Donovan and spent a week with her. I went to the hospital every day with Donovan and held her hand when she was in pain, gossiped when she felt well. Donovan slept in his stroller or flirted with nurses - he was an awesome kid and allowed me to spend a lot of time with her. When she was able to sip tea, we shared tea and stories - it was a special time, even if she was in the hospital. The bad days, I just held her hand and tried to stay strong and not cry... it was incredibly hard. The day I had to leave, I stopped by one more time. It was a bad day that day and she did not want me to go. It broke my heart to leave that day and I feared I would not see her again.
I did see her again on a few occasions. I saw her in the rehab hospital right before she had a brief reprieve from all her symptoms. We got to walk up and down the hall and grandma had a blast showing off her only great grandson. I called her a bit and when she was home, I sent her a gift basket of British treats when she was well and home. My dad said she ate everything in that basket and raved about it for weeks.
And again, either because I took it for granted or just didn't want to believe she was dying... I didn't call enough.
Now, things happen in life, Donovan does something new or something good happens in my life and I wish I could call her. I want to just say hi, I love you. I want to hear those stories I've heard a million times and right now, can't even really remember! I had planned to take a video camera up last Christmas and tape her telling the stories so I wouldn't forget them and I never got the chance because she passed on December 21. She really did try to hang on for the holidays. She was in pain but she really did try to hang on for all of us.
I don't know why lately but I miss her a HELL of a lot. I think about her almost every day and find myself crying at the oddest times and missing her a lot more. Maybe for a while I tried to just not think about her because it was too hard. Recently, I went to her home, for the last time, and brought back some furniture and other things I was given. Maybe that's why. maybe it's all the hormones being pumped in me for IUI. Who knows.
All I know is I miss her a lot, Cancer SUCKS and I wish I could see her again.
I have actually had two very vivid dreams about her. One shortly after she died where she told me she was OK but she missed her tea. I guess they don't have tea in heaven. One very recently. I was in her home and it was fairly empty. She just appeared on the couch in her living room. She told me again that she is OK and she loves me and to be OK with her being gone.
I am not OK with her being gone. It's not fair. If she had not gotten Cancer, she would still be here - she would have lived another 10 years - I truly believe that. I feel robbed of more time with her.
I miss her so so much.