Well, Thursday was our second go at IUI. Stephen's count was even lower this month so I am not very optimistic that we'll be pregnant this month. Even the doctor performing the IUI said, with his counts being so low, we may want to just skip ahead to IVF. With the issues we're having now, I feel incredibly lucky that we have Donovan. The next two weeks are going to be hard but I am going to try to distract myself with other things as much as possible. I have got to hold on to hope that this is our cycle and I am right now, maybe, pregnant with our second child.
I am still struggling and am wondering if maybe I should go talk to someone. I am discouraged about IUI and am still so very sad over the loss of my grandmother. I haven't been as willing to go and do things as I usually am and really do not want to be a sad Mommy to my little guy.
I have got to get myself together! My grandma would not want me to be like this - hell, I don't want to be like this. I know I am probably just sad because, for one thing, the holidays are coming and because I just recently saw my grandparents house on the market. Seeing the photos of a house I never in my life saw empty just made the fact that she's gone that much more real. When the house was still kind of full and her things were still there, it was easy to not think about that fact that she's gone. Even taking some of her things to my home didn't make it as real as seeing that house empty. That was a place I went to for over 30 years. Spent random days, holidays and special events there. It was a gathering place for all extended family and a place to just sit, sip tea and gossip.
I never get to go back there. I know it's just a house and, yes, I knew this day would come someday but it hurts. How is it that I never get to go back there? How can she really be gone? WHY does her house being emptied and put on the market bring up all the grief all over again?!?!
I want to be OK with this and just move on. I want to just be happy that she is with my grandpa, her sisters and parents and be OK with her being in Heaven. But, you know what, apparently I am selfish and I want her here.
I really think that next time I am up in MA I need to go visit her grave. I have not been back since the funeral and I think I really need to go, sit and just talk to her. I think that may help. I haven't ever visited there. My grandpa passed in, what, 1998? His death did not hit me as hard. I loved him for sure but I guess I was not as close to him. I do think I should go visit them both though - I wonder if anyone in my family even does?
Wow, OK, so that post took a turn. Sorry about that everyone :(
Thanks for reading. I think writing helps me deal with how I am feeling, even if no one reads it.