OK, so I have a lot of blogs and quite honestly, none are just mine, about me. Who would want to read about my dull ol life anyways? I am not completely sure I am going to share this with anyone yet but I think I need a place where I can just write about what I am feeling. A place to write my thoughts maybe just for me, maybe to share, but a place to just let out the millions of thoughts in my head all the time. I have always had the issue of not being able to fall asleep because there is too much I am thinking about because, well, I don't say a lot of what I think. I don't even always share everything with my husband. Not sure why really. I love him so much and share a lot with him but there has always been a part of me that just doesn't share everything.
Growing up I suppose we were a semi-close family but I never really felt super close to my parents or my sister. That sounds horrible to say out loud but I suppose it's true. The bonds I hear other people talk about having with their moms, dads or sisters... well... I can't relate. I honestly don't know why that is either. I had a good childhood with parents that loved me, and still do. My sister and I fought a lot but doesn't every sibling fight? I can go weeks without talking to my immediate family and it doesn't faze me. I feel like that should be weird...
I love my parents and my sister but I have never felt like I could share with them... not anything life shattering anyways. There always seems to be drama or when you tell someone something in confidence well, it never really is. So, I guess I stopped sharing anything that was super important and gave myself distance I thought I needed or wanted. I kind of feel bad about that now, like I should be closer to them somehow. This is the first time I have ever admitted this and even know fear one of them might read it. Fear it because if one reads it, they'd all know and also because I don't want to hurt them and I am fairly positive this would hurt them. I don't want to be mean or say this to be hurtful... just want to say it so it's said. And wonder aloud (in writing) why I am not close to my family.
I work hard at being close to my family now. I stay home with my son and really do consider my husband not only a husband but a best friend. Marriage and family is work, and some days are truly trying, but it's work that I enjoy. I want to have a different relationship with my family that I did with my family as a child. I want to be close to my kids and have the relationship with them that I feel like I didn't, and still don't, have with my own family. I honestly fear that my kids will grow up and it'll be the same for them and they won't feel close to me. Do I even have the power to make sure that doesn't happen? Scary thought.
Well, this was not where I thought this first blog was going to go but I think that's why I need to start it. We'll see where it goes and how much I write. It would probably be good for me to just sit and write as often as possible. Then maybe I'll have an easier time falling asleep at night :)